Tag Archives: gender

New Year Resolution: The End

by Benjamin Kritikos

A year ago, I made a resolution to read only women authors.  The thinking behind this act of positive discrimination was that I’d read far fewer books by women than by men, and I felt like I was missing out.  While I knew there were shitloads of excellent books written by women, I somehow managed to pass 30 years without reading very many.  The year 2010 was my chance to redress the imbalance.

Boy, am I glad I did.  I’ve spent a good deal of this past year catching up with the millions of people who read and loved the Harry Potter books — for which I was mercilessly teased by haters.  That always happens to great works that happen to garner popularity, though; even Ovid‘s Metamorphoses had its haters.

Of course, most people who actively voice a dislike for Harry Potter have never read the books, but only seen the films (or sometimes not even that).  I thought the films were rubbish — but hating on these books means you should pre-book a room in an old people’s home … No, I take that back.  Old people are not, generally, as embittered and old-at-heart as you; and we wouldn’t want to upset them.  Go read Ivanhoe or Dan Brown or whatever it is you like, and leave the rest of us alone.

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New Year Resolution: Part 5

by Ben Kritikos

A conversation is an interesting thing; it requires not only the ability to communicate, but also to listen, to empathise.  There’s nothing worse, more dispiriting, more of a pet peeve for me, than some one who can do the former — and in abundance — but not the latter.

Lots of great books, great as they are, have a bit of the epitaph about them.  Great male writers throughout the 19th and 20th centuries have struggled, suffered, written their heart-rending, world-shaking tomes and collapsed, moribund and fame-ready, into the great mausoleum of Literature.  Their works stand as stark reminders of their greatness, like 98 theses nailed to the door of a cathedral, or ten commandments engraved in stone by some almighty hand.

Finality.  When Ulysses talks, you listen.

I love those kinds of unanswerable books.  But not until recently did I realise how much I also love books for kids and young adults.  I love them both equally, and I believe they are equal.  Literature speaks to me with layer upon layer of the universal, in the language of the specific.  Books for young adults (the best ones) do the same thing — but slightly more fun.

*

The Secret Garden, by Frances Hodgson Burnett, is one of the best books I’ve ever read.  I loved it so much I periodically put it down, ran my fingers through my hair, took a deep breath and said, “Wow”.

Mary Lennox is a 10-year-old girl who is always ill in one way or another.  Everybody finds her most disagreeable.  She is sickly looking and bad-tempered.  When her parents die of cholera on their estate in India, she finds herself abandoned in the house, waiting crossly for some one to take notice.  She is discovered and sent to live with her reclusive uncle at Misslethwaite Manor in the Yorkshire moors.

No longer waited on hand and foot by servile natives, Mary’s life changes dramatically.  The wild, windy moors present a challenge to the spoiled, unhealthy girl, and she befriends a local boy named Dickon who can talk to animals.  Together they nurture a secret that slowly renews Mary’s health, and breathes new life into all at Misslethwaite Manor.

The Secret Garden does what a great book should: it puts you in sympathy with the emotional development of a character; it puts you in sympathy with their discovery of Nature; and it creates a lusciously magical world — partly of your own creation — into which you may step in and out, always taking a piece with you wherever you go.

It also had me considering taking a horticulture course.

*

I mentioned last time that Anna and I are reading the whole series of Harry Potter aloud to each other.  We are currently approaching the end of the fourth book, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.  Let me state for the record that I am now officially obsessed with the Harry Potter books.  J.K. Rowling is my new hero.

It’s funny, but when you tell people that you’re reading Harry Potter lots of them smile ironically, as though you told them Dan Brown was your favourite author.  I get the feeling that people have a different impression of the Harry Potter books than they deserve.

The first two books (Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone and Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets) seem tailored primarily for the 8-12 year old market, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a serious depth and intelligence behind them.  The names of characters, imaginary places and incantations that accompany the many charms, hexes and curses all reveal a knowledge of Latin and the classics that testify to Rowling’s calibre as a writer.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban and what I’ve read of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire are as adult, as dark and as challenging as anything else I’ve read in modern fiction.  They’re certainly better written — and definitely more intelligent — than The Da Vinci Code. The only thing that distinguishes the Harry Potter books from your average adult fiction is that all the main characters are children; and that while most popular fiction is mediocre, J.K. Rowling’s work is utterly, stupefyingly brilliant.

Books for young people are not, of necessity, sub-standard or second-class.  In fact, I’d go so far as to argue that, in many ways, and in many instances, young people are more discerning than us grown-ups — not least us bookish grown-ups.  Authors who know this approach their work accordingly.

I’d rather attend Hogwarts than Plato’s Academy.

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I haven’t spent this whole time just reading fiction for young people, nice as that would be.  Thanks to my friend Jess, I’ve had the good fortune to read Zadie Smith’s brilliant first novel, White Teeth.

White Teeth is set in London, spanning time from the Second World War to New Year’s Eve of the year 2000.  Zadie Smith traces with razor-sharp wit and emotional cop-on the family lives of Archibald Jones, a hapless Joe Shmoe; and Samad Iqbal, a Bangladeshi immigrant struggling to keep his Islamic faith and cultural identity intact, and to keep his throbbing libido (and subsequent sense of guilt) under wraps.

Let me confess straight off the bat: the whole dissection of the immigrant mentality, and the multi-directional pulling of competing cultural identities really resonated with me and I was biased in its favour from the beginning.  As a first generation American, the issues Smith touches on are painfully familiar, and I’d never really thought about them in-depth before.

I suppose I’ve been too busy struggling with to-MAY-toes and to-MAH-toes, and learning to say sorry even when I don’t mean it.

But don’t let me give you the wrong impression; White Teeth is, above all else, funny, witty, incisive, and warming like a good cup of tea by the window on a rainy day.  Zadie Smith tells a wonderful story full of race-relations, gunpowder, salt fish and ackee, adultery and circumnavigations of the roundabout at Swiss Cottage; all with a vivid deftness that left me feeling acutely aware of myself as a social entity.  But in a good way.

Zadie Smith fits on the Ring Lardner end of the Holden Caulfield spectrum: she’s the kind of author I’d like to ring up on the phone for a chat.  In my world, where the young are always right in some very subtle and important way, that’s a huge compliment.

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New Year Resolution: Part 3

by Ben Kritikos

I’m going to take a break from talking about books.  All this reading women has caused an eruption of empathy for the female dilemma.

Men are idiots.  Not all men, of course.  But most.  They fuck everything up, from relationships, to economies, to the environment — even bands.  People blame Yoko Ono, but the Beatles broke up because of John, Paul, George and Ringo: not anybody else.

Lately, I’ve noticed how intolerable so many men are to be around.  Maybe it’s because of this project; maybe in 2011 I’ll be back to normal, all grunts and chuckles and punches in the arm.  But at present, I find myself cringing about five times a week in the midst of conversations with male acquaintances.

Whether it be the description of a woman simply by referring to a piece of her anatomy, or bemoaning the inability of women-at-large to perform some simple task (like driving, or playing drums for example), or whether they jabber mercilessly about something they know fuck-all about — ach, men can really make me sick.

Don’t get me wrong, some women are capable of the same degree of stupidity.  After all, people are people, and a doughnut is a doughnut no matter if it’s sugar-coated, glazed, filled with jam or a talk show host.

Ann Widdecombe - not a good example of what I'm trying to say

It’s men’s hubristic predominance that makes them offensive.  Their stupidity seems impenetrable.  When faced with a stupid man, you know the situation is most likely hopeless; he’ll almost certainly not level with you, or listen to reason, or be swayed to think about what he’s doing.

Men are like robots.  Could you imagine Gordon Brown or David Cameron in the middle of a parliamentary verbal punch-up pausing to hold back the tears after a particularly scornful tirade?  I doubt they ever even listen to each other.  Even Margaret Thatcher, who is more unusually-tall-evil-munchkin than human, was caught on camera weeping when her party turned on her (and, incidentally, gave the world John Major, who lost his lips in a tragic arse-licking accident).

Why are men so thick?  Just the other day I  tried to put spaghetti into the kettle.  I caught myself just in time, as I was laughing about some other man trying to cook a sausage by running it under hot water from the tap.

If you’re not convinced, just think of Jackass.  Better yet, think of Dirty Sanchez — the Welsh equivalent.  You won’t find women stapling their genitals to wooden planks, will you?  No, I didn’t think so.

When the shit really hits the fan, and the guilty come out from their skyscraper hiding places to beg the government for multi-billion dollar (or pound) bail-outs, you’ll notice it’s a bunch of cocks doing the begging — literally and figuratively.

The only political party in England with a female leader is the Green Party; Caroline Lucas also happens to be the only party leader talking sense.  The men seem to descend further and further into mudslinging as the election draws near.

Here’s my suggestion: give women 10 years to take charge of the world and fix the mess we’ve made over the course of history.  That’s 10 years to put right what men have had an eternity to fuck up.  I bet they could do it.  So long as nobody invites Ann Widdecombe.

Who’s with me?

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The Vagina Is Coming To Get You.

VAGINA.

VAGINA.  VAGINA.

VAGINA.  VAGINA.  VAGINA.

VAGINA.  VAGINA.  VAGINA.  VAGINA.

VAGINA.  VAGINA.  VAGINA.  VAGINA.  VAGINA.

VAGINA.  VAGINA.  VAGINA.  VAGINA.

VAGINA.  VAGINA.  VAGINA.

VAGINA.  VAGINA.

VAGINA.

Seriously, people.  Get over it.

Why is the word “vagina” so hard for people to deal with?  What’s so threatening about it?  Why does American television insist on treating it like a profanity?  Network television doesn’t mind using sex to sell their mass-produced shite that nobody needs; but they certainly won’t have us talking about it.  It’s as though we discovered the Wizard of Oz’s name was Bill, and forever after the name “Bill” became — well, as taboo as the word VAGINA.

Some Europeans hold the admittedly ridiculous view that all Americans are puerile, right-wing, self-obsessed, sexually repressed nincompoops with no knowledge of geography.  When a network decides to pull a tampon advert for using the word “vagina”, you can almost understand why.

I was reading Richard Adams’ blog this morning, where he described a scenario in which an American network pulled a tampon advert by company Kotex in which they used the word “vagina”, presumably in reference to what women use tampons for.  Kotex changed the word “vagina” to the phrase “down there”, according to Adams, but this wasn’t sufficient apparently.  So, this is what they ended up with:

Admittedly, this is a brilliant advert — even if the area in question is conspicuously lacking.  But come on, America!  It’s a fucking vagina, more than half the world has one!

For shame, for shame.

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Ben Kritikos’ New Year’s Resolution: righting a literary wrong

Anna is always taking the piss out of me. More often than not, it’s silly (“Did you see they put a picture of you in the Guardian?”Points to a drawing of an ape).  Every now and then, though, the joke is poignant.  And the truth is often told in jest, as funny lady over here never fails to remind me.

So it was that I discovered a gaping void in my knowledge of books.  I’m a reader, you see.  In school, when others were failing miserably and being moved to basement classes in “special ed.” because of bad behaviour or drug abuse, I was failing miserably and being moved into basement classes in “special ed.” because of Fyodor Dostoevsky.  I read the majority of Notes From Underground in Psychology class, secretly, the book hidden under the table.  Imagine the irony when I was caught; the teacher scolded me, saying, “You’re supposed to be learning about psychology!”

Dostoevsky, Checkhov, Bulgakov — I love them Russians!  My teens were spent writhing in the shadows of the Beat Generation, writing bad poetry entirely in lower case, dispensing with “and”, “the”, etc.  Salinger was my God; I’ve read The Catcher In The Rye 14 times, and Nine Stories (published in Britain as For Esmé, With Love And Squalor) ten times.  Rimbaud stole a week from my life which I’ll never recover, or even remember.  Henry Miller, Ernest Hemingway, George Orwell, Bruce Chatwin, and even D.H. Lawrence have been dearer fellows to me than most friends — and longer serving.

But female authors?  None.  I’ve barely read any.  Arundhati Roy’s The God Of Small Things, Stella Gibbons’ Cold Comfort Farm, and Harper Lee’s To Kill A Mockingbird are the only ones that I remember blowing me away … or remember at all, to be honest!  Shameful, I know.

Well, what are New Year’s Resolutions for?  This year, I’m going to plunge into the deep end and combat a long-standing error on my part.  I expect the results to be deeply, profoundly rewarding: I will only read female authors in 2010.  This, of course, excludes the Guardian, which I devour at lenght on Saturdays, and peruse during the week.  I will, however, be especially conscious of how much I enjoy Lucy Mangan’s columns.

Think of all the goodies I’ve been missing!  I have a few in my possession.  They’re a good start: An Ordinary Person’s Guide To Empire, by Arundhati Roy (starting in the comfort zone, so to speak); The Female Eunuch, by Germaine Greer; The Second Sex, by Simone De Beauvoir (you see, I’m doing a sort of penance for gender equality, and re-educating myself); The Color Purple, by Alice Walker; Nightingale Wood, by Stella Gibbons (as well as revisiting Cold Comfort Farm); as well as the works of female titans like Virginia Woolf, Gertrude Stein, The Brontës, et al.

Here’s the panic: can I go a year without re-reading my old favourites?  No Catcher or Nine Stories?  No Black Spring or The Time Of The Assassins?  No Season In Hell?  Oh my God, I’ve only read The Brothers Karamazov once!  And Ulysses twice — and I only sort of got it!  What about all those lesser-known Orwell novels I’ve been meaning to read, like Coming Up For Air or Keep The Aspidistra Flying?  For Christ’s sake, I’ve just been given a copy of Anna Karenina (loves me those Russians!), and I still haven’t read the copy of Middlesex my best friend gave me for my birthday in 2006!  How on earth will I manage?!

Be resolute!

I’ll keep you posted.

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