by Ben Kritikos
Like so many in this “age of austerity”, I’m unemployed.
Occasionally, telling people this fact sometimes elicits a strange response: “Lucky you.” Lucky? Are you kidding? The strings on my guitar are green; playing it feels like gently massaging rusty razor blades. And I won’t even go into the cheese-on-toast belly I’ve developed. Don’t get me wrong, I love cheese on toast; but eating it as a meal three times a week is nobody’s idea of a balanced diet.
So why would anyone count me lucky to be unemployed? You’ll have to remind me — it’s been a while.
Could it be because daytime television is so good? I somehow doubt it. Could it be a deep-seated resentment at missing Radio 4′s Woman’s Hour? Much as I enjoy Woman’s Hour, also highly unlikely. Maybe it’s because — work sucks.
Not all work sucks, though … surely not. Maybe just all work available in a recession. I’m sure once the banks start lending again and housing prices are sufficiently high to not even bother considering buying one at any time in the future until we’ve all won the lottery, dream jobs will abound. I’m sure once Everything Is Back To Normal we can all count on good times ahead, where jobs like Official Ketchup Taster exist, the tea breaks are many and lengthy, and the retirement age is 34.
Those are the reasons to keep struggling, my friends. Some day, we’ll all live in the cushy luxury those pesky benefit-seekers are purportedly enjoying.
In the meantime, however, we’ll be saving pennies, using plastic bags from Sainsbury’s for the bin, making pots of tea with one teabag, skipping breakfast, selling our second homes in the south of France, and remembering fondly those days when employment was plentiful and fulfilling, like a good wank.
These are the top five shittest jobs I’ve ever had. I like to think about them when I’m eating ramen noodles for the seventh time in a week, to remind me of what I’m missing. Continue reading